From Girl to Boy

This is a not-so-hypothetical unsent love letter. It is pure and raw and un-edited. I wrote it almost a year ago. I was having an I wish I lived in Jane Austen’s time period moment. And an I’m gonna be a stereotypical girl kind of day. I was in a a very odd state of mind. I don’t know if this mood will ever hit me again. Setting that aside, I like the finished product and I love letters. So I decided to be daring and post it.

A scene from my favorite book-turned-movie “Pride and Prejudice.” I base all my unrealistic expectations on this.

Dear Boy,

I first want to let you know that this is the most embarrassing and upfront letter I have ever written in my life. Take a deep breath, and read with an open mind.

You distract me. I hate it, but I’ll admit any day that you’re my favorite pastime. If you are so miserably oblivious, hopefully this will pull you out of the dark…

I am in love with you.

I will wait for you for as long as it may take. You’re worth it. I don’t want anyone else, because I know in my heart that you’re the one. I feel like I’ve been gravitating towards you my entire life.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are the center of my universe. You bring the best and worst out of me. You are so perfectly imperfect. You challenge me. You compliment me. You calm me down. You rile me up. You make me feel like the only girl in the universe. You ground me. You humble me. You drive me insane. You keep me up at night. You occupy my thoughts, and I lovingly hate it.

I am certain that I love you. I realized it for the first time shortly after turning eighteen. I looked into your eyes as you were talking about something I’m sure may have been important at the time… I stopped listening and just stared at your eyes. Those beautiful light brown-greenish eyes. I got lost in them. Then the thought hit me, “I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. I love him.” Holy crap. I love him.

I googled it to be sure. Google didn’t have the answer I was looking for. It had a series of quotes about love. All of which described the way I feel about you, no matter how they were written. I realized I didn’t need Google. I just enjoyed thinking of you.

The realization rang clear that day. That moment is etched in my memory as the most extreme clarity I believe I will ever experience in my life (second to my belief in God). Through my love, I have reassured my faith in God. His mercy allows us to love one another. He encourages us to love one another. Through relationships, he wants us to increase our knowledge and refine our potential to spread goodness throughout the world. I believe that. I believe in us. I believe in our potential to forever bring out the good in one another, and spread it to those around us.

You’re the person I want standing next to me on my wedding day. You’re the man I want to cater to. To dote on. (Yes, this feminist wants to dote on a man.) You’re the person I want to grow old with. I want to cry in your arms when I’m upset. I want to share my good news with you. I want to cure you when you’re sick and make you feel better when you’re sad. I want to love you when you feel lonely and insignificant. When life hits you hard and things feel unbearable, I want to remind you of your goodness and bring you out of any funk you may experience. I want to be the woman who cares for your mother as she deals with the perils of life and old age. I want to listen to her when your sister refuses to and when your brother and her are inevitably bumping heads. I want to be the best daughter-in-law to your father who works way to hard for his family.

I want to have our children. I want them to look like you.

I want to love you whole-heartedly, even through our worst arguments. Even when I’m crying like it’s the end of the world… I want you to be the only man to ever have the power to make me cry. I want you to realize that I have confidence you wont abuse the privilege.

You inspire me. I feel that my dreams can only come true if I am alongside you.  I love how easily we can talk. I love that you always say more than you need to. I love how easily you can make me laugh, and how you can use that same ease to make me furious. I love that you root me to the spot whenever I’m with you. I love that you’re kind to my mother and that you talk politics with my father. I love that you care about my brothers and that you’re an angel to my sister. I love that the only time you’ve made me cry, is when you’ve left.

I hate that I’ve come to need you. I hate how it feels like something is missing when you’re not around. I hate how you make me cry when you leave. I hate being constantly concerned about you. My thoughts always circle back to your well being.  I hate not knowing how you’re feeling. I hate the thought of these feelings being unreciprocated.  But I’m willing to risk it.

I love you. I hate you. My feelings have gotten more simple to understand as I’ve matured, but more complicated when I think about the future. There is just no winning.

This is the most vulnerable I have ever been in my life. I am willing to give you that. I am willing to give you all of me. The good. The bad. The gentleness I rarely reveal to people. I’m giving you the capability to increase my fragility.

I realize I am only nineteen. But I don’t think I am too young to feel this way. Nor do I think my feelings will change. You’re my clichéd “one.”

I want you to tell me how you feel and end this uncertainty that has been eating away at me. But if you don’t feel the same, I still wish you a life full of happiness—whether or not I’m the one that brings you that happiness. I hope all your dreams come true. You deserve it. You’re the most wonderful person I know.

I can’t believe I let you read this. I am thoroughly embarrassed.




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