489 Days

489 days.

489 days of bliss, unbearable heartache, incandescent happiness, uncertainty, security, instability… The greatest love of my life.

It seems unfair that I expected forever, and all I got was 489 days.

I sincerely believe that. You will forever be the greatest love of my life. I don’t know if I will ever be able to love someone with the same intensity and utter vulnerability. I gave you everything. You promised me everything, yet you delivered nothing.

Every piece of my soul loves every ounce of you. Even the ugly parts.

Even when you tell me that I’m one of a million.

Even now, when I’m on the brink of a break-down, I keep thinking of you and the pain you must be feeling, and I ache to be there for you and make it better. I just want to take care of you. I have a disease; I think I’m a masochist.

This is my goodbye lullaby.

Goodbye to your big brown eyes and your gorgeous eye lashes and your broad chest. Goodbye to your dark brows and your perfect nose. Goodbye to your plump lips that I can’t fathom will ever touch another woman.

I realize as I’m working to shed the skin that used to smell like you, I’m remembering what it felt like to care for myself. It’s an odd sensation.

I thought I was going to marry him, have his children and grow old with him. I thought he was my forever, my always and my life-partner. This is inconceivable. The tears are uncontrollable and infinite. This is the most terrible pain I’ve ever experienced in my whole life.

The first night, I didn’t want to live anymore. I couldn’t imagine a world without him. Yet, when I was with him, I couldn’t navigate the world I had previously conquered. I became fragile, dependent and insecure. I began to value his perception of me more than my own. Until I realized that he used his power to make me feel inferior. So I wouldn’t realize my worth. It’s the oldest trick in the book, and I can’t believe I fell for it.

I gave him everything, and I would have stood by him my entire life if he had showed me a glimpse of compassion. I feel like I’ve woken up from a terrible dream.

I’m finally letting my heart face the unveiled reality of what I’ve gone through. It was a spectacular love, and I miss him every second of every day.

He drained me. I don’t have anything else to give.

Alas, I am trying to let him go.

I hope he finds what he’s looking for.

The amount of energy it’s taking me to keep it together is preventing me from doing anything else.

Now, at day 494, I feel helpless.

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