Day 6 without you.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I talked to you on the phone yesterday. You sounded just as broken as me.
You told me that “the red box cut you deeply.” The red box that took me 30 minutes to pack with all of your stuff (After Johanna told me she dropped it off, I sobbed). When I responded, “Well, you told me to get the fuck out of your life,” you didn’t want to hear it. You never want to hear it.
That’s the second time I ever heard you cry. I can’t even begin to count the amount of times you’ve made me cry. I didn’t even intend to hurt you; it’s just what happens when people break up. People have to sort through their lives and attempt to pick up the pieces.
I feel broken beyond repair. The pieces I need to rebuild myself lie in your arms. I have to find a way to fill these voids on my own. Right now, I don’t know if I can. Worst of all, I don’t know if I want to.
People keep telling me that this is a temporary pain, it will go away, and I will find somebody more worthy. They ask me if I can do this for the rest of my life, if I can deal with your harsh words and if I can see myself being happy.
I don’t know. The answer is I don’t know. I honestly don’t know if I can be happy with you, and I can’t fathom being happy without you. I’m damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t. I keep trying to figure out what I need.
I need a break.
I’ve spent every night since the break-up at friends’ houses. I haven’t been back to my own house because it reeks of you. I can’t step into it without memories of you reverberating through my body. It shakes me to my core, and I need out.
I am so close to being done. If I don’t get a break, I know I will be done forever. This past weekend was the first time in forever that I felt like I could breathe independently. I wasn’t waiting by the phone for your messages or awaiting your responses. I was just living my life. It was great.
Maybe I’m just not ready to get married, or maybe, you pushed me away.
I need to take care of myself again. The one thing I can take away from all of this is the amount of pride I have in who I am, and who I’ve become. I am a strong woman with a big heart. I can give so much. You know that. I think you’re finally scared of losing me. I don’t want you to feel hurt, but for the first time in this entire relationship, it’s not about you anymore.
It’s about me. This is for me.