I wish you were a better man

I wish you were a better man.

It’s gotten to the point where my father doesn’t trust you anymore, and my mother doesn’t want me to be with you anymore. My brothers keep reminding me that I don’t deserve this. My sister has literally yelled at me about never going back to you. She told me it would be pathetic, and she told me that you would never respect me if I took you back again. Half of me doesn’t want to listen, and the other half of me knows that she is right.

I love you so much. I love you more than I love myself. I really do. It’s incredibly unhealthy, and it’s what kept me in this for so long. It’s what kept me coming back and begging you to forgive me—even when I did nothing wrong. Even when you were the one escalating the drama.

I know we both love each other. I know we love each other deeply, intensely and infinitely. The reality is that we make each other miserable. I still don’t fully understand why I make you so miserable, but I know that I do because you’ve told me that I do. You said that you think I’ve caused you to fall into a deep depression. The more I think about it though, the more I think that it is you not me who needs to self-reflect. I’m self-aware to a fault. You hate to hear about any mistake you’ve made.

The irony is that you’ve been trying to push me away because of your fear of failure and the possibility divorce. It has been precisely this behavior of yours that finally destroyed us before we even got officially engaged. We were never officially engaged. That’s what hurts me the most. You promised me so much.

This pain reverberates to my core. Last night was the first night I went home since the break-up. I sobbed for 4 hours, uncontrollably. I shook from head-to-toe. It hurts. It physically hurts. Everything is sore. Everything aches. I’m constantly tired.

My friends think I deserve better. They keep telling me every day to say out loud that I will never take you back. They keep telling me that you’ve put me through so much.

Your own family thinks I deserve better.

I am trying so hard to let you go. It took every milligram of willpower to prevent myself from contacting you yesterday. I literally held my phone sobbing. Making myself not do it.

Thinking about you brings me to tears. I just sobbed in the copy room. I had to give my kids independent practice because I am physically incapable of teaching.

The reality of the situation is that you are not in the position to be with anyone right now. You’re emotionally abusive and you’ve lied to me too many times about unacceptable things. You told me you cheated on me, twice.

I wish you could be what I need you to be. I wish we could get married, move to Iraq and grow old together. I wish I could hold you and soothe you to sleep.

I wish you were a better man, but even more, I wish you loved me enough to become the man I need.

 

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