When people tell you to move forward

When people tell you to move forward, and you just can’t muster up the strength to do it, you have to do what’s right for you. At least that’s what I decided. Like literally yesterday.

Honestly, I kept crying and then getting upset at myself for crying. Which just led to more crying. The best thing I ever did for myself was give into my emotions and let myself do what I wanted to do. So, I did it. I’m not sure if will be good for me in the long run, but this is the first time in a week that I can be by myself without breaking out into fits of tears. So, I am going to consider this one a win.

Everyone around me kept telling me that I needed time. I do need time but on my own terms.

The truth is that I am not like other people. I am emotionally-driven and love people with every ounce of my being. When someone hurts me, it strikes deep down to my core. It physically HURTS everything. I can’t even function. My 11th grade AP English teacher once told me, out of her 30 years of teaching, she had never met someone with the amount of sheer passion I have. She couldn’t understand how someone with my amount of raw emotion could even physically exist. She always commented on how holding onto calories must have been so difficult since I was constantly burning off energy with my expressive nature. And, she only saw me for 2 hours of the day.

Fighting my emotions only makes it worse. I’m like a balloon. I can pretend to withstand infinite amounts of air, but the inevitable explosion is merely delayed.

Preventing myself from contacting him only delayed my imminent self-destruction. It got to the point where I couldn’t keep it together at work. The lady who manages our bus-schedules even sent me an email yesterday with a single quote, “It’s okay to be a glow-stick; sometimes we need to break before we shine.”

That’s when I knew that I had to do something about it. So, I went to go see him.

Maybe I am writing this out to justify my actions, or maybe I am just trying to sort out my thoughts. I sat in my car for 25 minutes, trembling, before I could collect the strength to get out. Then, I proceeded to walk circles around his apartment building before realizing that someone could think I was some sort of creepy stalker. So, I turned off my phone because I didn’t want anybody to talk me out of doing it, and I didn’t want to have to explain myself to anyone.

When I finally gathered the courage to walk up to his door, I couldn’t knock. I lightly grabbed his doorknob to see if it was open—it wasn’t. I stood outside and turned to walk away. I was frozen in time and consumed with fear. The voice in my head was screaming at me to run for my life, while my heart prevented my body from following the commands.

Then, he opened the door. We turned and faced each other. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into his chest.

And I sobbed.

I shook ferociously into his neck. It was utter, complete and total relief.

Nothing is figured out. Nothing got solved. But, last night was the first night I slept a full night WITHOUT taking any sleeping medications. God knows what will happen tomorrow. I can’t tell any of my friends that I did that because they will scold me and remind me just how much he put me through, but I did it for me. We talked a little, argued a little and cried a lot. Then, we hugged and I cried. We went to dinner and he took me home. He told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him.

We both agreed that we need time and space. That we need to go to counseling if this will ever work. I told him that my family was furious and despised him. He already knew it.

Seeing him made me feel so much better.

So, I say do what you want, and screw everyone else.

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