Jedidiah Jenkins wrote the following on his Instagram:
“Some people are madly in love and wrong for each other. A chemical romance. Magnets on fire. To me, this is one of the most unfortunate burdens of having a human heart. You love each other. Deeply. You come together with passion and connection so deep it is certainly from the instincts, from a million years ago. But the part of you that is now, the rational modern human… picks at the other person. Cuts them down. They cut you down. Your offense sneaks up without warning. You pout to force their hand. You deny their pouting to punish the theatrics. You would die for them. And they just might kill you. But your chemistry is a puppeteer, and losing them feels like death. The moment loss is real, you feel as if you have lost the best thing in the world. Your selective amnesia is to fighting and misery is astonishing. The wise counsel of your friends is a foreign language or a Charlie Brown adult. You are driven by a mystery that turns the ship out of sight.
So little of life is rational. We have such a weak choice. But I will say, when the chemicals drain from the brain, and a moments rest gives our thoughts some clarity… the world of explanation, commiseration, and understanding help bandage the wounds, and prepare for the next hurricane. At least you’ll know you aren’t crazy.”
At first, when I read this, I was overcome with astonishment. How could someone capture the feeling of love so exactly? It was as if someone put into words just how I feel. I was overcome with writer’s envy and an overwhelming sense of sadness. I didn’t want to accept it. I still don’t want to accept it.
So, I won’t.
I used to believe that the idea of a soul-mate was a bunch of crap. I have such a complex personality with multiple layers and a variety of interests that I could find myself happy with various people. That’s not true though. He is my soul mate. He really is.
My mind, body and soul find peace when I’m with him. Even when we are fighting, all I can think of is his well-being. I want him to be okay, and I yearn for the time I can see him again. People tell me that this is a bad thing because it means that I’m weak. I could not disagree more. It takes immeasurable strength to acknowledge your emotions and allow yourself to be completely vulnerable.
Vulnerability requires strength. It is the epitome of strength.
Excuse me for refusing to give into the idea that compassion makes me fragile or for refusing the idea that empathy makes me susceptible to damage. While it makes me more sensitive and it makes me more cognizant of the world’s pain, I think my empathetic nature has made me a better person. I am incredibly self-critical and profoundly aware of the emotions surrounding me. This makes me think twice before saying something that could potentially hurt another person. Yes, I can’t control the people around me, and I can’t control how they treat me, but I can control my response.
Life consists of a collection of situations. Our quality of life is determined by how we react to these situations. Death is a reality, heartbreak is a reality and deceit is a reality. Pain is inevitable, and love is a blessing. I can let life break me, or I can choose to get up every morning, put on a brave face and embrace the day. I choose this.
It’s the rational choice.
Yes, choosing to love him may be irrational, but continuing the cycle of letting him break me would be foolish. I may be irrational, but I am certainly not foolish. I strongly believe that you fall in love with the wrong person, and you live your life working to make them the right person.
I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. Call me crazy, but he has not broken me. I am still alive, and I will stand by him for as long as I am feasibly able to because I can.
At least I’ll know that the only thing that drove me to insanity was a deep and profound love. A one-of-a-kind sensation.
My own chemical romance.